i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
