Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
