I wish I could teleport
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
