you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
