U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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