At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
