connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
