I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
