I think i peed on brittanys purse
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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