My nipple is on Facebook.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
