I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
