This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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