I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need water and some morals
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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