that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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