The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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