I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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