Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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