Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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