we made out on top of his cat.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
