I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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