I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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