My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
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I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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