I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
