Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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