Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
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i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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