On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
