My friends, they love my intelligence
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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