He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
