I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
