I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
