We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
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And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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