alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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