you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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