my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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