This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
