I wish I could teleport
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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