I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
