i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
