enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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