wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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