Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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