You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
kristin has been a bad kristin
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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