I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
