I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
North Korea, Best Korea!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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