there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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