I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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