We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So squirting runs in the family.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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