My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
