Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
