i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
