Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
