We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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