last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
