you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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