you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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