in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
