There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
