i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?