I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
