peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
